EMPTINESS IN BEING PERFECT (by Suhail Torga)

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EMPTINESS IN BEING PERFECT

by Suhail Torga


I still remember it as if it were yesterday, me being called a mischievous child, a pyromaniac, a restless child who could not control his impulses. As an only child, I was expected to be perfect, to be thankful for the life I had, to appreciate all the sacrifices that had been carried out in my honor. After all, both my parents came from precarious backgrounds. Though both had managed to go to university, it had cost them and their families tears, sweat and blood. My mother an accountant, my father an engineer and a military man, they hoped I would surpass them. Yet, I felt like I was never good enough. I had to get excellent grades, be praised by teachers, be good at sports, be a paragon of rightfulness. But it was all a lie, I constantly felt empty, alone and forgotten. 

 

What was the meaning of this life? Would I ever find peace in my own skin?


And then it happened. My mother was blessed with a second child. A chance at filling the emptiness that surrounded my family. Unfortunately, it was short-lived. He passed away a month after been born. Premature after having been inside mother’s womb for a short seven months, his lungs not properly developed. I didn’t care. I wanted my brother to live. Perhaps if I prayed to God, he would take pity and make us switch places. My parents would be better off getting that second chance at getting the perfect grateful child. 

 

Why was I spared and not him? I would probably never learn the answer.


Over the years, I tried to cope with how I felt. I devoured self-help books by gurus such as Tony Robbins and T. Harv Eker. Unleash the Power Within spoke of an untapped power within each of us. Millionaire Mind promised riches beyond my wildest imagination. But it was all for naught. I was 28 and still no closer to finding any answers. 

 

Was this meant to be my doom? Was there any purpose for me to keep on going? 

 

I bid my time waiting for that answer to come and illuminate my path.


REFERENCES

  • Eker, T. Harv (2005). Secrets of the millionaire mind: mastering the inner game. Harper Business.

  • Robbins, Tony (1999). Unleash the power within: personal coaching to transform your life. Nightingale Conart.

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