THE DARKEST NIGHT (by Suhail Torga)

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THE DARKEST NIGHT

by Suhail Torga


How do you cope with feelings of worthlessness? How do you appease the hatred that has been seething just under your skin? Should surrendering unto the dark bring about peace and quiet?


These thoughts kept roaming my mind and heart for years. I knew where it all stemmed from: my father. And though our all-knowing Sigmund Freud would like to attribute it to something called Oedipus Complex, reality wasn’t as simple. After years of proving myself to be an exceptional student, an obedient son, and a good person, it only took one mishap, which could not even be called that when it meant part of who I was, to bring everything down. For years, I had to endure not feeling good enough. I felt disgusted with who I was. Failed relationships didn’t help to build my sense of self-worth and, in the end, I simply gave up hope.


Work-wise I managed to get some semblance of independence and self-confidence. But somehow I always gravitated towards my family – even after having lived abroad for many years. It wasn’t until I was well into my thirties that the final crack occurred. I could no longer see logically. I couldn’t find any love left inside my heart. Instead, only anger, frustration and hatred resided. Murderous thoughts crossed my mind constantly. And it took everything in my power to suppress them. At some point, though, I felt like I didn’t care. If the voices inside my head were going to be silenced, I needed to take action. Yet, the path they suggested wasn’t one I wanted to take. So, instead I looked for answers elsewhere.


After a full year of doing research on Ayahuasca, I finally took up the courage to give it a go. After all, if that didn’t work, nothing else would. I didn’t trust psychologist, and I still don’t, so that was out of the question. So, without getting my hopes up, I signed up for a ceremony near where I lived at the time. Like many others before, I was nervous and scared; yet, I figured that I had to power through it. And though getting into all the details of what the ceremony entailed and what I went through over the three days that the retreat lasted would take up a chapter of a whole book, I can honestly say it was liberating. It helped me come face to face with my inner demons. I realized that who I was truly mad at wasn’t my father but myself for letting myself get trampled all over. I let go of a lot of my anger. And though I didn’t completely healed, the experience certainly helped me move forward. Though a long journey was still ahead for me. After all, how could life be that easy if after doing a single thing, everything else fell into place. Nevertheless, I was well on my way to letting go of my anger and hatred.


A question remained though: Would it get better for me or more challenging?




REFERENCES

  • Ayahuasca ceremony for healing, Peru Ayahuasca Foundation. (2016, December 28). Ayahuasca Retreat Center in Peru, retreats and courses in the Amazon. https://www.ayahuascafoundation.org/ayahuasca-ceremony

  • Oedipus complex. (n.d.). Encyclopedia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/science/Oedipus-complex

Comentarios

  1. The English Gazette24 de marzo de 2023, 4:13 p.m.

    Firstly, I want to acknowledge that experiencing feelings of inferiority, self-loathing, and hatred can be very painful and debilitating. It's understandable that you have searched for answers and solutions in different places and decided to try Ayahuasca. However, it's important to keep in mind that consuming psychoactive substances is not without risks and can have unpredictable effects on different people. There is no single or guaranteed solution to overcoming complex emotional and psychological problems.

    Secondly, it's important to explore the possibilities of seeking professional support and help if you feel overwhelmed by your feelings and thoughts. Psychologists, therapists, and other mental health professionals can provide you with tools and strategies to confront your emotional challenges and improve your psychological well-being. While it may be difficult to trust others after traumatic experiences, it's important to remember that not all people are the same and that there are competent and ethical professionals willing to help.

    Finally, I want to point out that the path to emotional healing and personal development can be long and challenging, but it can also be transformative and enriching. As you allow yourself to explore and understand your emotions and thoughts, you can develop greater compassion and acceptance toward yourself and others. You will learn to value your strengths and achievements and to recognize that mistakes and weaknesses are a natural part of the learning and growth process. I hope you can find the support and guidance you need to move towards a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

    By Axel Mejía Garduño

    ResponderBorrar

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